"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy and the tallest guy in the National Basketball Association is Chinese." -Chris Rock "A guy know's he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." -Tim Allen "A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished." -Zsa Zsa Gabor "I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places." -Henny Youngman "You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish." -Jerry Seinfeld "A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it." -Bob Hope "I don't consider myself bald. I'm simply taller than my hair." -Thom Sharp "This is a strange country we live in. When it comes to electing a president, we get two choices. But when we have to select a Miss America, we get 50." -Jay Leno "I figure you have the same chance of winning lottery whether you play or not." -Fran Lebowitz "Give a man a fish and he has food for a day; teach him how to fish and you can get rid of him for the entire weekend." -Zenna Schaffer "It's not that I'm afraid to die; I just don't want to be there when it happens." -Woddy Allen "I have my standards. They may be low, but I have them." -Bette Midler "I've been on a calender, but I've never been on time." -Marilyn Monroe "If God meant us to be naked, he would have made our skin fit better." -Maureen Murphy "It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it." -Sam Levenson "If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?" -Vince Lombardi