Questions

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Why do irons have a setting for permanent press?

How can you tell when sour cream goes bad?

How much sin can I get away with and still go to heaven?

How young can you die of old age?

Can you be arrested for selling illegal-sized paper?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?

If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

If you're born again, do you have two belly buttons?

What if there were no hypothetical situations?

Where would we be without rhetorical questions?

Will your answer to this question be no?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why are there still monkeys and apes?

Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets are dressing up as mattresses?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?

If you choke a Smurf, what color will it turn?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

If vampires have no reflection, how come they have such neat hair?

Do good S&M fans go to Hell?

If swimming's such good exercise, how come whales are so fat?

If you throw a kitten out of a moving car, would it be considered kitty litter?

How do Keep Off The Grass signs get there?

Could God make a burrito so hot he couldn't eat it?

Do we make bombs better or worse?

Why don't sheep shrink in the rain?

If a person told you they were a pathological liar, would you believe them?

Can you learn to read from a "Reading for Dummies" book?

If someone gives you a penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, where does the other penny go? Do you get change?

If pro is the opposite of con, and progress is moving forward, what is congress?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

If Jimmy cracks corn, and no one cares, why is there a song about it?

Why is an alarm clock going "off" when it actually turns on?

If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight?

Why is it that raindrops, but snowfalls?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconuts, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Why do they call it "getting your dog fixed," when afterward, it doesn't work anymore?

If a drug store is open 24 hours, why are there locks on the doors?

If you make a cow laugh, will milk come out its nose?

Why can't Mr. Fork and Mr. Electrical Socket be friends?

Who was the first to see a cow and think "I wonder what will happen if i squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?"

If a schizophrenic threatens suicide, is it declared a hostage situation?

Why was the Holy Roman Empire neither holy nor Roman?

If a tree falls on a mime in the woods, and there's no one there to hear it, does the mime make a sound?

What is the speed of darkness?

If a man washes a dish, and no woman is around to see it, did it happen?

Why doesn't onomatopoeia sound like what it is?

How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

Do three headed fire dragons have heated arguments with themselves?

Why exactly is there a snow-globe with summer scenes?

What do picket sign writers put on their signs when they go on strike?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do they all have to drown?

Why is minimalism such a big word?

If buttered bread always lands on the butter-side down and a cat always lands on its feet, what happens if you strap buttered bread to a cat's back?

What'd happen if the man took the advimil and the woman took the viagra?

Why do ballerinas stand on their toes? Can't they just get taller women?

Do fish get thirsty?

If you learn from mistakes, why aren't I a genius?

Why don't people on TV ever go to the bathroom?

How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?

If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?

Why do banks leave both doors open, yet they chain pens to the countertops?

Why do people order a double cheeseburger, large fries, and a diet soda?

Why is there Braille on drive-through ATM machines?

Who copyrighted the copyright symbol?

Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected the expected?

If a building is on fire, and you make more fire, would it be considered making the fire worse or better?

Why are there five syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

How is it that "Fat Chance" and "Slim Chance" mean the same thing?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Cynisism & Insults

don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce.

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.

When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.

My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.

All things being equal, you lose.

If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.

I can only please one person each day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

Smile... Tomorrow will be worse.

It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

Thank you for not annoying me more than you do.

Everyone is entitled to my opinion.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.

If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will.

A cynic is someone who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

I need not suffer in silence when I can still moan, whimper, and complain.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those of us who do.

Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.

I'm extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end.

I'd like to help you out; which way did you come in?

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. This wasn't it.

From the moment I picked your book up to the moment I set it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend to read it.

I don't care who you are, what you drive, or where you'd rather be.

I'm not cynical. I'm just experienced.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.

Don't hate yourself in the morning. Sleep till noon.

It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail in the process.

You may pretend to dislike me, but deep down, you know you hate me.

Well aren't you a waste of two billion years of evolution.

You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

Well this day was a total waste of make-up.

Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.

Do they ever shut up on your planet?

I'm not your type; I'm not inflatable.

Well aren't we a bloody ray of sunshine.

Don't worry. I forgot your name too.

Aww, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?

You look like shit. Is that in style now?

Wait... I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

I don't have an attitude problem, it's supposed to be this way.

It's not that I'm antisocial, I'm just not friendly.

Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking when you're interrupting.

I'm sorry, do I resemble your therapist?

I think someone has to be listening to you for it to be an actual conversation.

I don't care where you go, as long as you get lost.

It is just you.

I heard you, and so what if the world's ending at noon today, I can't chat with you until tomorrow.

I don't have an attitude; I have a personality you can't handle.

I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.

You laugh because I'm different; I laugh because you're all the same.

If I throw a stick, will you go away?

I didn't know regurgitated spam could talk.

If brains were dynamite you wouldn't have enough to blow your nose."

If idiots could fly this place would be an airport.

A mind is a terrible thing to waste; I'm glad they didn't waste one on you.

Next time you get the urge to think...don't.

I'm not antisocial. I just don't like people.

Would you kindly shut your noise hole.

You have no idea how acutely depressing it is to realize we're from the same species.

"Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit" as said by those incapable of its proper application and as such suffer from it a lot.

It's not that I wish any harm to the guy, I'm just saying I could happily sit by while someone knocks his head off.

It's people like you who make the Internet all but impossible to trust.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Well, I was nearly killed three times, fell off a bridge and broke my jaw. How was your day?

On your way down the banister of life, may your ass collect tons of splinters.

Are you renting the space in your head? It could be profitable.

I'm sorry.. Am I poking holes in your self-esteem bucket?

Why don't you slip into something more comfortable...like a coma.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

I wonder what life would have been like if you had had enough oxygen at birth.

Whatever it is that's eating you, it must be suffering horribly.